Victoria Cosmic writes about her journey of sobriety & becoming a spiritual woman.
We hope this inspires you!
Who I WAS...
I was the one who would boast about how much I could, and would drink.
I was the one who felt proud that I went into work after being intoxicated the night before and having perhaps 3 hours sleep.
I was the one who thought I was something special as I had snorted cocaine from a toilet seat.
I was the one who could not remember the entirety of the previous night so would wake up feeling anxious incase I had made a fool of myself.
I was the one that did make a fool of myself but would blame the alcohol as if it were not me who willingly chose to indulge.
So when does drunken behaviour cross the line from ‘normal’ or lets say acceptable within the masses to addictive or an act of self destruction?
For me, an unhealthy habit or addiction is when I know something is not good for me and after the initial rush it leaves me feeling low so I say to myself and/or others ‘I am not going to do that again’ - and I mean it. And then I do it again, and again, and again. A contradiction with my all knowing, higher self. My intuition.
How I started
I began drinking alcohol as I thought it was cool and ‘gave’ me confidence. At 15 I started an apprenticeship in a hair salon and after work I would go out with peers who were 4 or 5, even up to 10 years older then me. I thought they were so cool and I wanted to be like them! Yet I felt ‘not enough’ when I was around them, probably because I was still very much a child and legally underage to even be in the pubs and clubs we were going to.
I felt that alcohol, and in later years cocaine, gave me what I felt I was lacking in order to fit into the friendship circles I desired to be part of. I attracted friends who loved to party and party we did. I identified myself as being this glamorous drunk, playing the clown and also playing aloof - all of which were disempowering, unconscious acts I only identified and understood years later.
I had always been one for extremes so I never had just a glass of wine at home or over dinner, it was full on binge drinking or not at all. I partied most weekends, at times in the week also. I did this for years, and I liked it! I would slap on the fake tan, lashes and mini skirt and head into London’s finest clubs rubbing shoulders with celebs, thinking I’d hit the high life (my ego was trippin’ me...) But I enjoyed the high.
I am in no way saying these days were not fun - they were a huge part of my self-exploration. I wanted a sense of belonging and I got that, temporarily masking the underlying feelings I had of being the black sheep, always different from everyone else and that haunting feeling of ‘not enough’.
The back story
Throughout my later childhood and more dramatically as I hit my teens I watched my parents turn to drink for comfort. I had to witness the communication deteriorate within our household as drugs and alcohol crept in more and more. It hurt me. My mother’s behaviour in particular, under the influence and not showing up in her true, creative essence broke my heart.
I had the realisation I was following in her footsteps, unconsciously avoiding my feelings and turning to short-lived pleasures. I would change quite dramatically once using alcohol and/or drugs. It gave me an escape from my current reality and permission to do and say things I would not say in a sober state.
I was not an addict in the way I would wake up and want to drink vodka, But I was an addict in the sense that I would look for something externally to get ‘high’. I would plan a night out if I was feeling empty or lonely, hoping to fill the void and disguise what was really going on.
While I may have enjoyed the instantaneous pleasure, the next day when I was feeling low on energy and love, I would binge eat to suppress any emotions that were rising. My mind and body were vibrating at a low level - this was not a path to greatness.
Make the change
When my daughter was 3 weeks old, my (then) partner went out for the evening to ‘wet the baby’s head.’ He came home at 7.30 the next morning smelling of alcohol, his pupils widely dilated thanks to the white stuff. I saw my reflection in him, what I would have been doing. Deep pain arose from within me. This is not what I wanted. To WAKE UP and realize the only common interest you have with your partner is the sharing of intoxicants is enlightening but also terrifying, especially whilst cradling a newborn baby.
I knew I was to heading to sobriety. But for a long time my actions did not align with my deeper intentions. I would arrange for a babysitter so I could go and enjoy my night out. I would then spend the following day semi-present to my precious daughter, as the low of my high would impose upon our time together.
It didn’t feel right but I kept doing it. I express this as an acknowledgment of my perspective only, as I am fully aware others have a far more healthy relationship with alcohol. For me, when I say it didn’t feel right, it in fact felt fundamentally wrong.
There has got to be a better way
It was a process. I remember seriously telling some friends one evening (while totally annihilated) that I wanted to be ‘teetotal’, and they laughed at me as if I had just told the funniest joke!
I knew I wanted to change my lifestyle but this meant I had to change what was currently my whole reality. Thrown in along the this journey were Post Natal Depression, break-ups, house moves and some much needed time out travelling. It actually took over 3 years from the day I made that decision to finally quit it drinking in its totality.
My thoughts kept bringing me back to this; if something is not good for me, I know it does not create any good in me and I do not like the person I become when I have it... then there has got to be a better way.
The bit that sucked most
It was challenging, and lonely at times to make the change. I lost the connection I had with a lot of friends (although I attracted awesome new ones - the universe does that for you!)
Many of my friends did not support my decision. I was deemed as ‘boring’, even ‘weird’, when I went out and didn’t drink and ‘unsociable’ when avoiding gatherings that involved drinking. I can understand why... When you form friendships on similar interests and then one person chooses to no longer be a part of that interest, the dynamic of the relationship changes.
From my perspective, I was finally courageous enough to follow through with what my heart was calling for and what I saw as an act of self love... yet I was rejected by those closest to me. That sucked and it took a while for me to be fully comfortable with it and not take it personally.
I was quizzed many times, and still am occasionally, as to why I would give alcohol up in its entirety and why I don't just ‘have one drink.’
My answer... I have done the drunk thing.
I have been the giggly drunk, the funny drunk, the crazy drunk...
The ‘flirty’ drunk
The ‘dance all night like no ones watching’ drunk
The ‘embarrassed of how I've acted’ drunk
The ‘I’ve slept with a stranger’ drunk
The ‘drink a bottle of champagne just to throw it up on the way home’ drunk
The ‘fall asleep on the bathroom floor naked’ drunk
Full range of experiences. I don’t feel the need to do any of it again!
From those experiences, what did I LOVE? Definitely the dancing!
But I can do that stone cold sober.. I am confident in who I am have more energy than ever and fueled on nothing but green juice and maybe a bit of cocoa. I can do my thang on the dance floor!! Video proof here.
What I’ve learnt... The good bits
3 years sober and I am not looking back! Rather than putting toxins into my body I am now committed to my health; mind, body and spirit. I’m addicted to the green stuff these days!
It was an act of self love - although unconscious at the time - I now see it was a big step towards the light for me, a spiritual awakening. I feel honoured to understand the responsibility of my actions and grateful to be surrounded by love and acceptance for who I am and how I am growing as an individual.
Truth is a pathless land... I do not share my story to preach or suggest others follow, as if I have found the secret formula to life. I share because I believe my journey is taking me in a direction that feels good and if I can inspire or motivate others to do whatever it may be that makes them feel good, then that makes me feel very blessed.
It can be difficult going against the grain, doing what you believe to be true when others around you do not agree. It takes a lot of courage to make the transformation, to under-go a lifestyle change... but it opens you up to new things.
We are never alone. Please reach out if anything I have wrote here has struck a cord with you.. It means a lot for me to share this part of my life!
Victoria Cosmic is an energetic ‘Sexy, Earth Mother’ Empowering women through her writings, teachings and mentoring. After overcoming addictions and many insecurities she’s moving into the light... a free spirit, wild woman, practicing holistic health and kick-ass spirituality. Opening her heart and using her own experiences and wisdom to aid others with their journey.