Ladies Who Love too Much
Now, this is a slightly awkward topic because no one likes to admit to being a needy sap…!
Yet, it is an important one nonetheless as, like it or lump it, many of us do suffer from being…
So, what exactly is the difference between being a loving girlfriend and loving too much?
The behaviours below can certainly be pinned on to the co-dependent spectrum:
- Feelings of obsession towards another (lucky and probably undeserving) specimen
- Seeking validation or feeling whole only when in the arms of another
- Putting your needs secondary to someone you love – aka becoming a sacrificial lamb
- Planning your entire week’s commitments around seeing your man (…or worse, holding off making any in case he might want to hang out last minute)
- Fantasising about wedding bells and popping out sprogs after date. Numero. Uno.
- Believing you “can’t live without” someone (no matter how many times they’ve metaphorically shat all over you)
We were in a similar position not so long ago.
‘Twas exhausting, to say the least.
They say PASSION can be compared to a DRUG
….with the ‘hits’ and the inevitable ‘come downs’.
If this be true, no wonder co-dependent behaviour comes second nature to Addictive Daughters like us.
But why do we relate in this way when it comes to matters of the heart?
Interestingly, many children of alcoholics or addicts grow up to display co-dependent behaviours (as a result of not learning healthy ways of relating to others in the early years.)
Others use co-dependency as a strategy to deal with trauma and pain in life
– if we’re forever focusing outwards, we don’t need to deal with what’s going on within…
For some, it simply becomes a habit.
Maybe, once upon a time, we managed to hold on to a chap by behaving co-dependently
(… and once you’ve popped, you just can’t stop. )
Well. It’s time to stop.
And the good news is, it’s a habitual behaviour and you can change it…
Maybe not in a day… but start now and you’ll soon see a difference in the quality of your relationships. Keep working at it and they just get better and better.
Know that the only person who can provide a source of unwavering and faultless love for you is… YOU (and God or a Higher Power… if you share those beliefs).
Expecting this from another is setting them up for failure
… and you up for major disappointment.
We too have struggled with this, so here are a couple of tips that helped us significantly:
1. Get honest. Where is your relationship at? Are you frequently anxious? Do you function well independently? Are you happy for your man to do his own thing? Think about the patterns of your relationships so far (both current and past).
Get aware and observe your behaviours .
2. Write it out. Becoming self-focused is made easier when you write your thoughts down. Make a note of what triggered your needy behaviour and how you felt.
Freaking out because your boyfriend’s booked a weekend away with his friends?
Honestly write down why this is a problem for you and how you can fill that time focusing on your life and feeling good independently of him.
3. Set some boundaries. What do you know in your heart of hearts is unacceptable behaviour to you but for some reason, you just keep sweeping it under the carpet?
Write it down and decide what is no longer OK.
Let the people concerned know there is now a line to be crossed and what will happen if they choose to cross it.
One big NB: this is not a post advocating selfishness or becoming a mean girlfriend.
It is simply to help you love yourself as much as you love your partner.
Once you remove yourself from a co-dependent way of relating and realise how important you are and how much there is to do in your own life, shit starts getting exciting!!!
We hope this has given you food for thought!
Love, Persia & Joey xxx