How to Gain a Guy in 10 Ways
So, we get a lot of emails from friends and fellow AD’s asking us that age old question: How do you get a boyfriend…?! (Especially as, with summer nearly over, snuggly Sunday’s in pubs with a new lover is an undeniably attractive prospect). Well ladies, if we had that magic formula, we’d be miw’yonaires by now, and on a yacht somewhere off the coast of the Maldives.
However, we do have 10 tips that we put in to practice ourselves. And guess what, most of them are about you, not the magical mystery man that we all waste countless hours fantasizing over… Change yourself, change your relationships, that’s our motto. Get ready, cos given this topic, it’s gonna be one lengthy and brutal blog post…
1) Firstly, ask yourself (honestly) if you would be happy to have any old guy (as long as was reasonably hot and not too high up on the asshole-o- meter). Do you just want a fling? A holiday romance? Someone to bump uglies with? Yet another short-lived, unfulfilling relationship?
Do you want the right guy – one that will be able to provide you with a healthy, functional relationship that challenges and inspires you? If it’s the former, then this article is not for you, if it’s the latter, read on fair maiden (but let us warn you, in order to gain a guy and relationship like that, you are gonna have to do some serious work…)
2) If you have decided you want a proper, adult relationship (with – dare we say it – the possibility of an actual future together), ask yourself – would you date you? Look at your current life situation, and write down honestly a list of positives and negatives (if we do it for the guys we date, we should do it for ourselves also!) Eg a positive may be that you are fun and generous, a negative might be that you are one messy bitch. This list will draw out the qualities in you that may attract or repel a prospective bed-fellow, and it will also help you discern which chap is right for you (i.e. if you are a messy bitch, we would suggest staying away from that OCD clean freak in HR).
3) For each positive on the list, write down one small action that you can do weekly to quantify this (if you are ‘fun’, that is probably taken care of…). For example, Joey is generous and active, so she signed up to run the London Marathon for charity – she walked her talk. (Or ran her talk one might say).
4) Take each negative and write down one small positive action you can take to improve this area, e.g if you have a pre-disposition to thoughtlessness like Persia, get into the habit of asking housemates if they would like a cuppa everytime you get home in the evening. Small things add up.
5) While you are working on that, take the time to fall in love with yourself – treat yourself like you would want a boyfriend to treat you and like you would treat him back – cook healthy food for yourself, have silly amounts of bubble baths, buy yourself little pressies – all the cliches – the point is you need to value you before someone else is going to. You have permission to continue with this step for the rest of your life.
6) Now, before you gain a new man, you gotta learn why the old ones didn’t work out. Write a list off all your past relationships with details on what good and bad qualities each chap had, the positive and negative aspects of the relationship and the reason for it ending. What you are looking for here is the negative patterns so that you can make better, more informed and appropriate choices for yourself in the future (sorry for sounding like your mother…)
7) Now for the painful part… Believe us on this one, you will never have a happy relationship with someone new if you do not face and let go of past hurts. And don’t be fooled – that chap who cheated on you when you were 15? You have to find it in yourself to forgive him (even if it was over a decade ago) so you can move on to pastures new, or we can guarantee, you will keep ending up with a similar type of guy in a subconscious ploy to try and make it work out this time around (we have both been there – numerous times). Write a letter to anyone that hurt you or that you hurt – apologising or forgiving them – however bad the situation was (forgiveness is not about them – it’s about your freedom and happiness, after all). DO NOT SEND THESE LETTERS (obvs). Burn them or do something else tribal.
8) NOW you have space in your heart for someone new who won’t shit all over you (or vice versa…) Write down a list of all the qualities you would like your dream fella to have – anything from funny, generous and spiritual to pecks like Arnie and a wallet full of fifties. Then, cross out anything that is NOT a deal-breaker (for Persia it’s the pecks, for Joey it’s the fifties) until you are left with less than 10 crucial traits for your ideal man.
9) Now, write a list of the places you hang out and the type of men that frequent such establishments. Does this match up with your ideal man list? We thought not. We learned the hard way that if you want to catch a salmon, there is no point fishing in a shitty little pond full of goldfish and algae. We are not saying don’t hang out in those places, but we are saying it is unlikely you will find your dream man there. Just bear it in mind.
10) Expand your horizons. Get out of your comfort zone and start doing something you love regularly – whether it is yoga, running, painting, whatever. Try and go to a class for your chosen activity. If you meet a nice fellow, then you have a common interest, and you are doing it together sober, which is always better than meeting a randomer in a bar. If you don’t, you are still doing something you love. Win-win. The key now is to LET GO of the idea of trying to meet someone (hard as that is). Keep focusing on you and being present in whatever you are doing and the right one will turn up – it’s a cliche cos it’s true.
Regardless of whether you gain a boyfriend in the next 10 days or even months, if you have taken these 10 steps, we bet you will be much clearer on what you want from a future relationship, as well as presenting the best possible version of yourself to future prospects.
And that’s enough for us.
Persia & Joey xx
blog feature image by Monique Kooijmans
Couple image credit: Taylor Lashae